all the things that didn't happen

[princenevermore]

“You were lucky that Evans was here, Snivellus…”

The words catch in his throat, threatening to slip, but Severus manages to bite his tongue and growl as the only answer. He felt them burning like the whiskey his father always poured.

Unable to face Lily's impossible eyes, he buries his gaze on the ground, charged with accumulated rage, feeling the humiliation sink into his bones, like a physical ache between his ribs. Snape mutters all the curses and unforgivable spells that cross his mind, while he looks askance at the stupid gestures Potter makes to attract Lily’s attention.

He hates them, all of them, but he shuts up and saves the resentment for later when Lily doesn't look.

“Come on Sev, ignore them, they are a bunch of immature idiots.”

Lily kneels next to Severus and helps him up. The moment her long fingers brush against his robes, Snape catches his breath. The unforgivable curses and what he was about to say to Lily hit his chest like the explosion after the thunder. It makes him feel ashamed of having those words on his mind.

“Are you okay?”

Severus hates everything a little less when she says it... and doesn't feel as necessary to use a Cruciatus on James. He nods in response, even with a dry throat and his chest constricted.

James looks at Sirius in disbelief and Lily shoots them one last contemptuous look before marching away with Snape.

“What’s with her...?”

But Severus Snape no longer listens to what is happening behind his back and concentrates on the reddish mane that moves next to him.

"You shouldn't have used that spell, Severus!" You know I don't like those things you're getting into …”

“Lily, I just defended myself.”

“I know, but ... You are better than them, yes? Don't get involved in anything silly. Promise me.”

Snape is smart, he reads between the lines, and he knows that when she says that, Lily is not referring to more cranky teenage fights. He holds the air for a few seconds and feels the war vibrate in every corner, a feeling that makes him nauseous. He comes closer and she seems to pierce him with those incredible, impossible eyes.

“I promise”

At dinner, Severus avoids Lucius Malfoy and sits alone.

* * *

Before sleeping (when he can sleep) sometimes Severus thinks about that day. He thinks about what he almost said. He repeats to himself that it's stupid to feel guilty about something that didn't happen.

Still on his bed, his eyes fixed on the roof of his room, he remembers a ten-year-old Lily, asking him if there would be any problem at Hogwarts for a muggle-born. Her gaze was defiant as always, but the mere act of holding her breath revealed the nervousness behind the question.

He said it didn’t make any difference. And Severus meant it.

Sometimes he dreams about what never happened. He dreams that the words are coming out of his mouth and Lily looks at him hurt. That they never speak to each other again. A punishment. A life not worth living.

Then the dream becomes blurry, he cannot distinguish images, Death Eaters, the cry of a baby. There, everything stops making sense and Severus wakes up covered in sweat and fear.

He never tells Lily about those dreams.

* * *

Rumors of the impending war intensify and something akin to anxiety makes the Slytherin table boil between whispers and dark magic.

Gryffindor prepares the counterattack, the Marauders go out of their way to ridicule Lucius, and every possible Death Eater who crosses their path, more than usual. Which includes Severus most of the time.

Snape shuns his own house, the knowing smiles among those who already know who is on the side of he-who-must-not-be-named. The constant invitations to which Severus doesn’t respond, the clenching of fists and silence when someone mentions the "Mudbloods".

He doesn’t raise suspicion but doesn’t decline the company of an obvious Death Eater, although Snape never enjoys it. He just stays attentive, watching.

That's what happens on a macro scale, the micro one boils down to Lily hanging out with Marauders more than what he thinks is reasonable.

Snape can’t hide his resentment.

“Remus is not like them, Sev.”

”He is one of them, besides he is strange, everyone knows that …”

“Severus!”

Lily just raises his voice a bit and it's already a warning, as her eyes sparkle when she's about to get angry and Snape grants it. He would grant her anything.

“Also, you don't have to be jealous, you are my best friend and always will be,” Lily adds softly and the air around Severus suddenly seems lighter. He smiles and only smiles at her.

* * *

Time passes and suddenly, James looks serious and mature when he talks about fighting. He talks about defending his people at all costs and Sirius roars next to him like a dog showing his chest, warning all Death Eaters to beware, that the Marauders are in the war now.

Lily looks at him with different eyes when Potter scares off a group of Slytherins entertained by threatening a half-blood Hufflepuff. She smiles at him in the hallway and it seems to James that the walls are falling apart.

And Severus, who cannot deny that he is attracted to the dark arts, who cannot deny his grudge towards Muggles, feels the ground turn to sand when Lily and James exchange glances. He feels something like disgust scratching his throat but he swallows it and hides behind a thick book of potions.

Lily denies everything and claims that Potter is still an insufferable jerk, but the senior year begins and Severus has a bad feeling.

(They are held only by a promise made almost to the air, but there are days Severus wants, wants so much--)

* * *


Eventually, James and Lily start dating.

In fact, they end up married with a son they call Harry.

Indeed, they live long enough to see him go in and out of Hogwarts. Such a sweet and talented boy, all the teachers claim, obviously inherited from his parents.

Severus Snape teaches Potions classes at Hogwarts and doesn’t pay special attention to the Potter’s son, out of respect for Lily. Everyone's attention is focused on the rickety Neville and the prophecy behind his shadow. The return of the dark lord begins as a rumor, just like the old days.

For Christmas, Harry receives a leather jacket from his godfather Sirius, and a variety of books sent by Remus.

For Christmas Lily sends a letter to Severus, every year and without exception. She asks him about Harry, about Hogwarts, about Dumbledore, and the remains of the war. She also asks him about him and sometimes they get together to have tea.

Severus doesn't regret anything. He sees Lily frequently and they remain friends despite everything. That's enough for him, he repeats himself when he thinks of Potter. Because in that damned mirror of Erised he never saw himself next to her.

(He always saw her beautiful and eternal. Only her.)

Dumbledore invites him into his office and they talk about what could happen, what’s about to happen. How important his role as a spy was and how, thanks to this, they were able to prevent so many catastrophes. Snape just listens to him and nods absently. They talk about loyalties and Albus mentions the day Severus volunteered for spy work.

(He looks out the window and remembers how Lily refused at first. How she screamed at him that he could die as if he didn’t know how dangerous it was. But she had just gotten engaged and he had nothing to lose.)

Sometimes Lily is saddened by the thought of Wormtail. Severus is impassive in assuring that he deserves to be in Azkaban. James is still hurt, and although he never thanks him, deep down he's relieved that Snape found out who he was working for just in time.

Things could have been a lot worse, they all claim.

* * *

Sometimes Severus Snape has nightmares of a gloomy night and Lily's body lying limp on the ground.

He gets out of bed and it is only a matter of minutes until there is an owl at the redhead's window with a letter whose sender is obvious.

Only then does Snape go back to sleep, Lily's green eyes fixed on his memory, so alive it hurts. As if Lily couldn’t be pictured in any other way than the embodiment of fire and life.

He does not want to imagine it otherwise.